I had a plan while I was pregnant of how I expected the birthing process to go. Of course it didn't happen the way I thought, because it almost never goes to plan. I think that is the first great lesson of motherhood - it isn't up to you anymore. Suddenly a tiny human's personality, plans and timetable overrule yours. In my case, I was fully prepared for a vaginal birth. I was excited to go through labor and experience the whole process. Then at 32 weeks I had an ultrasound where they told me that my baby (already on the larger side) was settling into a very nice and comfy breech position. I was told that I had less than a month to decide if I wanted to try a technique to manually turn the baby or if I would have a cesarean. After much conversation with my partner and lots of research, we decided that attempting to manually turn the baby came with too much risk to him. That left me with a few weeks to mourn the plan I had and accept the trauma of an unplanned surgery. While I was lucky to know ahead of time and not require an emergency surgery, I still felt the panic and the loss that comes with your body not doing what it is supposed to be built to do naturally. Your first test of motherhood is to be able to carry and birth the baby successfully and I felt that I had already failed somehow. Wasn't my body supposed to make this work? Hadn't we evolved after all this time to solve this problem without surgery? Of course not, because my baby was super stubborn from the moment of conception, that's how he was able to survive. Seth was born healthy, big and strong by C-section. I do not regret the trauma done to my body in the surgery because it was necessary for him. However, I do regret not having the chance to mourn the loss of the birth I wanted and the time to recover. From the moment I was coherent I was being told that I should be happy that he was healthy and not worry about anything else. Any struggle or unhappiness that I let show was met with anger or dismissal by those around me. What was a beautiful miracle was, for me, also a huge trauma that went unacknowledged until I broke down in a doctor's office two weeks later. (An appointment which I made for myself knowing I needed help. None of the well baby checks or post partem care that far had caught the fact that I was drowning.) Over time I have been able to come to terms with what happened and am in a much better place as far as my mental health is concerned. Though I still often feel that loss again when I see articles about childbirth, or watch videos online. Especially when I read about how women who have cesareans don't actually "give birth." I mean, that's true...I didn't "give" birth. I had a human being forcibly cut and ripped out of my body while I was unable to move on a hard table in a room that was too cold and too bright scared out of my mind. Then once he was out of me, I could still feel them pushing and pulling, but I was not able to see my baby. When you have a cesarean they lift the baby for half a second and then it is taken away to the other side of the room and surrounded by NICU nurses and doctors assessing the baby. If nothing is wrong then you get to see your child...after about ten minutes of panicking because he is right there and you can't see him or reach him after having him inside your body for nine months. I can't even imagine how it would feel if his temperature was too low and instead of bringing him to me they brought him to the NICU. I refused skin to skin because I was scared that if he was too cold they would take him away from me so I asked the nurse to wrap him in a blanket right away. Then of course I had to give him back to a nurse anyway as I had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, began vomiting with my newly torn up stomach (still can't move on my own), and my temperature plummeted. Later I could only hold him for minutes at a time because due to the blood loss and my reaction to the anesthetic I was too weak to stay awake for more than twenty minutes at time. Eventually I healed of course and things got better, and I got to hold my baby. :)
There are two important things that I take away from my birth experience. 1) It doesn't matter how your birth plan goes or how you bring your baby into this world - you are a Rockstar! It is not easy to carry and birth a small human being. It's painful and gross and kills your body and you should be thrown a party for getting through it!
2) There is absolutely no good reason to have no post partem appointment for six weeks after giving birth. Just when you need the support the most, it's gone. If you are about to have a baby, I would encourage you to try and get a sooner appointment with your OB, or even with your primary, anyone who can offer support or encouragement. And if you have any kind of a mental health history - expect to need some help. I was under the impression that I had learned all the coping skills I needed, and I was very, very wrong. It doesn't have to be extreme symptoms, you don't have to have thoughts of hurting yourself or your baby to need help. I would encourage you to reach out if anything feels wrong. Even if you think you are okay, reach out. No doctor should dismiss your concerns, even if all you need is reassurance. The biggest lesson I learned is that I cannot take care of the baby that depends on me for everything, unless I remember to take care of myself a little bit too.
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