Lupus

I don't talk about my lupus much, or the difficulties it creates, and it doesn't often come up in conversation. Most often it will come up when I am having a particularly bad day and struggling visibly and someone has the nerve to tell me that I am too young to feel the way I feel. Don't get me wrong, most days I am okay, no symptoms, and no one could ever see anything wrong on the outside. But there are those days when it feels like I got hit by a truck overnight and the only reason I am getting out of the bed is because of the toddler ten feet away screaming that he wants a diaper change and breakfast. Sometimes it's one day, sometimes a few in a row. We have learned that the winters are a million times harder, and now I get to be one of those old people who know when a storm is coming because I hurt more. Adults around me are usually able to understand, at least that I have pain that has no real explanation. But I worry that it will be hard for Seth to understand. Lupus is a progressive disease so I can only assume that it will get worse as he gets older. Right now it shows as days that getting on and up of the floor is hard, days when Mommy has trouble playing, and sometimes days when Mommy is just too tired to do much more than basic care. In the future it may mean that I can't do sporting events, or maybe that I have to spend time in the hospital. This winter is certainly showing to be harder than last winter. My bloodwork shows increases in inflammation and my medication has already been doubled. I know I am lucky to be in the early stages, but it still affects my life on a daily basis. This past week I have had a really hard time. I don't know if it is specifically all being cause by the lupus, but the lupus has to be a factor as it always is. It scares me to know that I am physically able to do less and less over time. I have always had pain since childhood and I have still been able to do what I wanted to do, but now it is getting harder. Constant pain, even when controlled and on a low scale, is still exhausting. Being a mother, even with a really easy child, is exhausting. Working retail is exhausting. I am exhausted.
On the other hand, there is nothing I love more than my job as a mother. My family, my son and my partner, are the reason I get up every morning and continue doing things every day. Maybe my house will never be spotless, maybe my laundry will never get completely done in one day. Maybe there are days when we don't even bother to try to clean. But every single day we have clean clothes, we are fed, and we have love. The rest will happen when it can and until then we already have everything we need.