Year One

The first year as a mom was a fairly typical year. I have been unbelievably lucky to have a super healthy baby. Once the first scare of waiting to see if Seth would be born with neo-natal lupus had passed, I was advised to watch him for unexplained rashes and otherwise he should be fine. During his first year he had an eye infection at three weeks from a clogged tear duct, one cold that winter, and one mild ear infection. He had all the major milestones, some early and some late, and time seemed to pass way too fast. He rolled over at four months, but waited until his first birthday to walk. He didn't bother with teeth until eleven months, but then he got four all at once. His motto in life seems to be, "go big or go home." He is everything you would expect from a rough and tumble, super busy boy. The day he took his first steps, he started to run. The day he said his first word, he said three. He jumped through seven sizes of clothes in one year! For a while it felt like he was growing an inch a week.
With every milestone reached I felt a sense of pride. As I would write the dates in his baby book and the pages started to fill, I started feeling a sense of loss. The year was going way too soon and we would never have these first moments again. My son was never much of a snuggler after he learned to move on his own power. I never knew how much I would miss having to hold him all day long. Instead of having to, now I was begging to be allowed to hold him. His first quiet words were gone and replace with loud babble occasionally peppered with those words, but now with confidence. His first giggle replaced with great big belly laughs and cheers. His first gummy smile only a memory, but followed by so many expressions showing a range of emotion. Finally at a year old I looked at my Seth and I found I no longer had a baby. Suddenly I was responsible for this tiny human with a very big personality of his own. He looked so grown up and that sense of peace that I felt when I had him was pulled out from under me. Knowing how to care for a baby was one thing, raising and nurturing a toddler is going to be a whole new game.

Becoming a mom

I started my adult life absolutely sure that I was going to be a teacher, and equally sure that I was not going to have children of my own. As predicted I went to college and earned my degree in education. I went on to spend four years working in a school department as an educational technician, but aside from on session of summer school, I never actually taught in my own classroom. At this point I was 26, had moved three hours south of my hometown, and was discouraged that life had not gone the way I had originally planned. I spent a year trying to find a new path. I found a new way to work with children as a BHP (still sure I wouldn't have my own) and soon after learned that I hadn't dealt with own trauma enough to be able to work with kids and their families effectively. After four years, first in retail and then working for a non-profit, a failed marriage and the beginnings of a new relationship, I decided I wanted my own family. Soon after I began having unexplainable health issues. After several months of testing and referrals I was diagnosed with mild lupus. A diagnosis that I was told I was lucky to have. Lupus is a progressive and incurable disease, but I was lucky that mine had no progressed into attacking my vital organs before I could begin treatment. However, it was a diagnosis that put plans of children to the side as my body enjoys attacking itself. I remember reading a statistic that women with lupus have an 80% chance of miscarrying a boy in the first 12 weeks and feeling my heart crack into a million pieces. Roughly six months after beginning treatment for the lupus I found out I was pregnant and after the initial rush of pure joy I was completely terrified and absolutely sure the pregnancy would not last. Thirty-nine weeks of high risk pregnancy later, I delivered a very stubbornly breech and incredibly healthy baby boy through C-section. Seth did not have any signs at all of neo-natal lupus and so far it seems like we have beaten all the odds with our little boy. After all the hoping, wishing, heart break, joy, fear and excitement we were finally able to start our family! Of course that is where the fun really all began...
When Seth was born I immediately felt an incredible sense of calm and rightness. I absolutely knew that I was meant to be a mother and that we were going to be okay. My partner was also a natural with the baby. He did all of the initial diapers at the hospital and most of the initial feedings as I recovered from surgery. Everything was falling into place and we were deliriously happy. Next came a new housing situation as we made room for the baby and from there everything became a revolving door of adapting to each new circumstance as our lives changed on a daily basis.

The beginning of a poem by William Blake called Auguries of Innocence has always been one of my favorite quotes and for me sums up the feeling of becoming a mother, both the moment of change and the feeling of looking into my son's eyes: "To see a world in a grain of sand/And a heaven in a wild flower/Hold infinity in the palm of your hand/And eternity in an hour."